Young Mid-Life Crisis

Lately I have been a funk. I am a mother of 3 wonderful boys. I have a great husband. I have a job but I feel unfulfilled. John's teaching really hit home for me last week at H20. He spoke at one point about the Mother who is sacrificing everything she has for her children and her family but she has forgot to sacrifice for God or maybe not forgot but has run out of time. I feel that way all of the time anymore. I give and give to my family. I work very hard to enable Eli to raise support (which he is doing). When I get home (finally), I am bombarded by little hands who all want and need a piece of me. So, then homelife is reading books, doing homework, cleaning the house, cuddling. Then bedtime. Then time for my husband. squeeze in some prayer and hopefully Bible study... only to do it all over again. But I feel lost. really lost. If I am lucky, I get to go to yoga to workout and decompress. And somewhere in the last several years, I have forgotten who I am. Who I am in Christ. What are my dreams? Do they exist anymore? What is my purpose in Christ? Or is there one, besides being a wife, a mother, an attorney, a housekeeper,.... Do I have a right to my dreams? Or is that part of the sacrifice? I don't know anymore. I don't play the piano as much as I want. I feel like my one love in life, Music is somewhere out there somewhere. except for the Sunday morning praise band. (which is a life preserver). Maybe no one feels this way. Maybe I am just selfish (because I know that in our world real problems and stuggles abound and my 1st world problems are not really problems). I struggle with these questions and I kill myself slowly everyday from the guilt of these thoughts, feelings, tiredness. Post-partum? I'm not sure. I think it is life, but how does a working mother find joy in life -- in the mundane? Even when broken dreams abound (music career). Or not giving enough to your children or you husband. Not giving enough to your career. Not giving enough to God I am really struggling with these thoughts, these questions. I hope to find the answers and learn the secret from Paul... Being content, no joyful, in any and every circumstance.

Still Dirty

My second son walks to his own drum beat. No one in the house knows the rhythm but every so often I think it is the most complex drum beat ever invented. Either way, they all came inside after a hard's day of work, I mean play. And they were filthy. I ordered them all to the bath.

Hayden loves to take a bath but he hates washing himself with or without soap. He came out of the bath dripping with water and with dirt still covering his legs, his face -- his hair still smelled of sweat and dirt.

I quickly told him to get back to the bath and wash himself. He said "I did". I showed him the dirt on his legs. He looked at me smirked, wiped the dirt and said "now I'm clean"

Sad to say, I almost let him go to bed.

Regaining a Sense of Identity

I have been somewhat ambling through life as of late. I realized after talking to some very wise gals at my small group that I do not feel a sense of purpose or identity anymore, which is an altogether new feeling to me. I have really prayed about this and sought God and I now believe and am convinced that I have lost my identity in Christ. Not that I have lost Christ but I have forgotten where my true purpose and self lies. I am not sure if anyone else feels this way.

Especially for women, I think it becomes hard when we become wives and then later mothers. It seem that for me I put so much work and effort into my marriage and my children that I started believing that my identity was just that and only that.

That saddens me in some respects because I have kind of lost myself. This year I am attempting to realign my identity with Christ and to recapture some of my old passions that I used to have in Him.

Hopefully as I reevaluate myself and truly and passionately seek God and seek to find my identity, my passion for being a wife and a mother will reignite.

(P.S. I do not say this to mean I do not passionately love my husband or my children. I love them with everything. But I have realized that I must first find God and my passion for God above all else)

Regaining a sense of joy

I wrote that my new years resolution is to seek God wherever he may be found becuase in Jeremiah 29 God says that he will be found by me if I seek him with my whole heart.

This past year was a very trying year for my family to say the least as many know. And I will say that soemtimes I sought God well and sometimes I yelled a God a lot. Either way, the times that I truly sought God with my whole heart, He was found by me.

Well it seems that I have began again to leave that road and to try and solve my problems on my own terms. And I think that it has left me wanting...more from my life.

I think the place I need to start is centered in God... I need to seek God completely so that I can find myself totally enveloped within his sphere and not He in my sphere so to speak...

So again this year I am attempting to not only seek God with part of me... but with my whole being so that I can be found by him and I can find him...

I don't know what that means... and it is kind of scary because his plans may not be my plans but I have to trust that his plans are better and infinitely full of more blessings.

Where are the boys now...

Well,


Hayden is now 20 months (almost 2). I cannot believe it. He is starting to talk a lot and is very bold about what he wants. We are now seeing his true personality, and it is so exciting to kind of get to know this new little man. He is the blondest brownest eyed boy i have seen. We absolutely love him. He is very musical and loves to sing and play the piano. He even tries to sing on key. He loves birds and our two dogs. He sits on them and hugs them non-stop.


Noah is 3 1/2. He is very sweet. Today I have a cold and he was trying to get me water to make sure I was feeling ok. He gets me flowers from the yard everyday and insists that I wear them in my hair. Noah is very obstinate sometimes though. I'm not sure if it's age, personality or both. But I think if matured, it will serve him well when he is older.


Eli - my husband and sometimes third child - is everything. He is in school for counseling, and is still working in case management. He is trying to learn contentment in his job and is praying through that issue with much fervor. I hope that God will bring him to completion on that. He is the best husband and father I could ever have asked for. He takes care of us with his whole self, and for that I am grateful and thankful...

Pray for us as we decide where we are going and as we seek God's will for our lives.

Staying in Shape

Well

I went for my checkup and I have put on a few pounds. Which I guess is not a big deal except that I have been eating poorly the last few months and I have not been running.

Well all that is going to change. A friend of mine who just had her 3rd baby is already preparing to run a mini-triathlon. And I guess if she can do it, than all of my excuses are pretty lame. I want to be healthy -- not just thin. I want to set the best example for my children and my husband.

So as of now, I am back on the healthy eating regime and exercise regime too.

Not So Good

Today Eli and I got into a fight about money. I guess this demonstrates our lack of faith in God and our lack of discipline in areas of finances. I am asking all my friends and family who read this blog to pray for Eli and I as we try to get back on track with our relationship with God and Each other, as we attempt to demonstrate and exercise discipline in our finances and for prayer that our jobs will provide us with the money we need to get back on track financially.