Young Mid-Life Crisis

Lately I have been a funk. I am a mother of 3 wonderful boys. I have a great husband. I have a job but I feel unfulfilled. John's teaching really hit home for me last week at H20. He spoke at one point about the Mother who is sacrificing everything she has for her children and her family but she has forgot to sacrifice for God or maybe not forgot but has run out of time. I feel that way all of the time anymore. I give and give to my family. I work very hard to enable Eli to raise support (which he is doing). When I get home (finally), I am bombarded by little hands who all want and need a piece of me. So, then homelife is reading books, doing homework, cleaning the house, cuddling. Then bedtime. Then time for my husband. squeeze in some prayer and hopefully Bible study... only to do it all over again. But I feel lost. really lost. If I am lucky, I get to go to yoga to workout and decompress. And somewhere in the last several years, I have forgotten who I am. Who I am in Christ. What are my dreams? Do they exist anymore? What is my purpose in Christ? Or is there one, besides being a wife, a mother, an attorney, a housekeeper,.... Do I have a right to my dreams? Or is that part of the sacrifice? I don't know anymore. I don't play the piano as much as I want. I feel like my one love in life, Music is somewhere out there somewhere. except for the Sunday morning praise band. (which is a life preserver). Maybe no one feels this way. Maybe I am just selfish (because I know that in our world real problems and stuggles abound and my 1st world problems are not really problems). I struggle with these questions and I kill myself slowly everyday from the guilt of these thoughts, feelings, tiredness. Post-partum? I'm not sure. I think it is life, but how does a working mother find joy in life -- in the mundane? Even when broken dreams abound (music career). Or not giving enough to your children or you husband. Not giving enough to your career. Not giving enough to God I am really struggling with these thoughts, these questions. I hope to find the answers and learn the secret from Paul... Being content, no joyful, in any and every circumstance.

Still Dirty

My second son walks to his own drum beat. No one in the house knows the rhythm but every so often I think it is the most complex drum beat ever invented. Either way, they all came inside after a hard's day of work, I mean play. And they were filthy. I ordered them all to the bath.

Hayden loves to take a bath but he hates washing himself with or without soap. He came out of the bath dripping with water and with dirt still covering his legs, his face -- his hair still smelled of sweat and dirt.

I quickly told him to get back to the bath and wash himself. He said "I did". I showed him the dirt on his legs. He looked at me smirked, wiped the dirt and said "now I'm clean"

Sad to say, I almost let him go to bed.